It feels like lying. To the entire world. It feels like keeping track of stories, writing down words, so you don’t forget what you said, it feels like telling your story over again. It feels like robbing someone else of happiness; it seems like theft. It feels like embarrassment. To have no self-control, to be a coward. I’ve had my heartbroken many times by cheaters, but once I became a cheater, the wheel spiraled at high speeds and turned asphalt back into tar. If you’ve ever been cheated on, I know how you feel. It stings. But this article is not about you; it’s not even about me. You might be saying something like, Why are you even giving them attention?
I’ll tell you why. Because even though the cheater has done us wrong, the cheater is hurting on the inside. This is not always about being the villain or girl; this is a person who doesn’t have the guts to tell us that they want to let us go. Or maybe they didn’t want to let us go. Cheating is a way for them to get what they want because something won’t let them ask for it. Have you considered that we might not be easy to talk to? Have you considered the cheater is lead astray not because they are evil, but because they don’t know how to express themselves? Sure, it’s not the right way to approach the situation, but for those who have previous trauma or issues with communication, this is how they go about getting what they want, this is how they cry for help.
This is not an excuse. On the contrary, as adults, we should be made accountable for our actions. But we cannot just lump all cheaters together. Cheaters cheat not out of some primal, carnal drive, although that might be the reason for some; but it very well could be emotional. You see, cheating and the causes are not so black and white; like many issues related to relationships, we must look at them on an individual basis.
Let’s get all psycho-analytical on this topic, please. Don’t only jump to conclusions. Take the time to understand, then evaluate. While you might be the receiver right now, you might become the doer in another moment; maybe not this lifetime. We’re not playing the blame game here, but cheating is not so simple as, My partner is a sub-human, My partner is disrespectful, My partner is heartless. While this could be true, we should not systematically claim that all cheating comes from the same place. Remember, we’re looking at people who are hurting in some way or another; or who have learned bad behaviors in a partnership. This article is not to garner as much for the cheater as possible. On the contrary, it’s really about wondering if you’re ready to work out some issues or walk away.
So before you start throwing stones, before you go pointing fingers, you’d better check yourself first. You might not have been a cheater, yet, but you probably know someone who is or was and her reasons for doing so. Take a step back, breath, relax. This is not for you to judge. We are learning about each other here; we are building our compassion as thick as brick walls.
Cheating is an ugly business, but somebody’s gotta do it. And for those who have been cheated on, a high percentage have been or will be cheaters. It’s inevitable. The game of cheating is for everyone. Come one, come all. There’s no age limit or height requirement, it’s a free-for-all, and the worst part is that each one of us has taken part. Don’t go shaking your head just yet, reader. For in some way, whether physically or emotionally, you’ve cheated. Cheating sucks. No doubt about it. It sucks from both ends, but maybe, just maybe if we can look at it from the doer’s eyes rather than the receiver, we might be able to find solutions to the massive amounts of cheating that takes place. Cheating is getting out of control and with all this talk about side chicks and fuck boys, it’s no wonder cheating is on everyone’s minds.
Cheating hurts. It hurts both involved. Don’t call the cheater a player and a dog, don’t call the cheater a skank and a ho –they are people despite their downfalls, notwithstanding their inability to control their desires.
Cheating feels like many things. It feels like changing your password so many times and not writing it down anywhere for fear of being found out. It feels like a nervous laugh when no one else is laughing. It feels like flushed cheeks and a whole body that’s trembling. It feels like adrenaline and jumping out of something and into something else; with eyes, all the way closed. It feels like confusion and wanting to go back in time. It’s longing for the rewind. It’s like walking backward; walking back on the road built by a strange desire, a desire unnamable and unavoidable, a desire that’s bound to hurt everyone involved. Cheating is like being untrue to self; it’s looking in the mirror and seeing another face and trying not to scream out in terror.
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